Female

They say arguing on the internet will never change anyone’s mind. I believe that. We must teach by example. That is a spiritual law that Jesus taught. I have been watching American conservative women these past several years. Ever since I opened my Facebook account I have learned a lot about how wrong I have been. Many of my closest friends and family members are conservative. I have argued with some of them many times since opening my Facebook account, and never once have I convinced them to convert to my views. They have converted me, not by personally arguing with me, but through their example. The women I have watched posting their conservative views and explaining to me why they feel that way have taught me a lot. Watching these women post about their votes at election time and standing up for their convictions has shown me that they and the men they love are right. 

I must say, there is one area where I never needed convincing: abortion. I have always known that is wrong since I first heard the word and discovered what it meant. To take the life of an innocent, unborn, vulnerable baby is a horrible thing. And the women I have been watching and listening to and arguing with on Facebook have shown me how important that one issue is. It is THE most important issue in the mind of every conservative voter. Liberals believe that sex education and birth control will solve the problem without infringing on the rights of women to control their own bodies, but I will show you what my conservative friends have shown me.

So, what was it my conservative female friends did that convinced me, finally, that I have been wrong all these years? Recently they have been posting videos of very attractive females explaining to me why I should not believe the lies of Dr. Ford as she accused the Honorable Bret Kavanaugh of trying to rape her. These were very convincing videos, of women, pretty blonde women, one of whom even said she was the victim of a sexual assault and then went on to explain why Dr. Ford’s assault should have no bearing on Mr. Kavanaugh’s confirmation. Some of my female friends - both conservative and liberal - questioned Dr. Ford’s credibility because 

1) She waited too long to come forward, 

2) Someone other than Dr. Ford started a GoFundMe account to raise money for her legal fees, 

3) She could not remember every detail exactly the way it happened more than 30 years ago, 

4) Dr. Ford did not go about handling her sexual assault exactly the same way they did when they were sexually assaulted, and in their minds, that proves she’s a liar. 

Some have convinced me through Facebook memes like this one: 

When I think back to my teen years, Good Lord! My female friends and I were sluts. 

I always thought we were pretty decent girls, but according to what I’ve learned, I was wrong! We mostly wore jeans and T-shirts and tennis shoes. We never dressed like the actresses in that photo, but in the summer, we sometimes wore shorts! Who could blame those boys for wanting to get in our pants? Once, I was stupid enough to wear shorts to school in Jr. High, so, clearly, it was all my fault that a boy grabbed my ass as we were exiting math class one day. I really should be thanking him for teaching me such a valuable lesson: never wear shorts to school. That poor boy had to sit somewhere behind me for an entire 40 minutes seeing my bare legs. It was just too much for him! It was also my fault that he went around telling the other boys the lie that when he grabbed my ass his finger slipped up into my vagina – I’m pretty sure he used a different word. Boys will be boys! Some of those boys asked me about it, not out of concern for me, but to see how high they should place his pedestal. I’m sure they placed it high, choosing to believe him and not me. And it was not the fault of the boy who spread a rumor about me that I had “gone all the way” with my boyfriend. I should not have ever allowed myself to be alone with my boyfriend and his friend who spread the rumor, even though I thought they were trustworthy. Stupid naïve female! I never “went all the way” with him – a fact he never tried to correct. Again, boys will be boys, never guilty about anything they do. And it was clearly my fault the time my top was pulled down, exposing my developing breasts. I was wrong in wearing a tube top – the current fashion in female clothing, the summer between my 6^thand 7^thgrades. Thank you, Young Man, for teaching me that valuable lesson! I was at fault for being naïve enough to stand near him as we conversed for the first time ever. To think that all these years I thought the boys were at fault! Come to think of it, it might not have happened at all. You see, I cannot remember that guy’s name. Not remembering every detail is a sure sign I might be wrong about what actually happened. Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for setting me straight. 

Yes, my teenage female friends and I were loose with our clothing and morally impure for kissing boys. We should have never fallen for those boy’s lies. They said they loved us – or at least had “feelings” for us – and we were stupid enough to believe it! Our dads never told us about how teenage boys think or that we should pay more attention to a boy’s actions towards us than his words, but why should they? We would not have believed them anyway. All good conservatives know – and now I do, too – that the female brain is incapable of making good choices. We proved that in our youth with our clothing and slutty behavior. The boys were just being boys and we were at fault. I see that now. We’re lucky they did not rape us. Thank you, teenage boyfriends, for not raping us! We females should have had more self-control. It is morally imperative that we control ourselves because boys should not be expected to control themselves. They are males and therefore superior.

Looking back, I should have been convinced long ago of my wrongness. For years, they have been posting nasty things about liberals and complaining about the things liberals say about them. But, I now see that Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Cathy Griffin, Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, and all the other females who spoke out for women’s rights, including me, are just bitches. We are. We are bitches. Some of our arguments make sense, but the way we go about getting them across is just bitchy, as opposed to all the pretty blonde ladies on Fox News Channel. They are assertive, like men. It’s okay to be assertive, like a man, if you have a conservative view, but not if you have a liberal view. It’s not assertive then, it’s bitchy. And liberal females should just keep their mouths shut.  

All my life I bought into the whole feminism thing. I mean, seriously! It’s partly my dad’s fault, but I don’t blame him. He is just as much a victim of liberalism as I have been. My dad told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. Conservative dads tell their daughters that, too. Quite possibly, those conservative dads are doing their duty of instilling patriarchy into their daughter’s minds, which is a noble thing. I have learned from my observations of my female conservative friends, you gain a female’s confidence and loyalty by making her feel secure in her ability to think for herself so that she won’t notice when you undermine her politically. You know she can’t think for herself, but as long as she thinks she can, all is well with the world. The trouble with my dad, though, is that he believed what he said. Some men, like my dad and Keith Urban, get it wrong sometimes. Keith has this song about the awesomeness of females. It’s called Female. With my newfound wisdom, I’ll never hear that song the same way again. :-(

Anyway, I have learned that if you convince a female she can think for herself, you can convince her that THE most important issue – abortion – cannot be fixed by birth control because females cannot be trusted to be moral, especially when they have access to birth control. When put to her this way, the female thinks back to her morally reprehensible behavior as a teenager and knows you are telling her the truth, despite the fact she never got pregnant and turned out okay. This theme really gets etched in her mind in church, where she is told that only morally bankrupt women get abortions and morally bankrupt liberal men want to avoid taking responsibility for the baby. Once the female is on a high moral ground, believing that the only way to end abortion is to outlaw it, she is ripe for everything else you want her to believe: 

Subservience is good for her and society; 

men are always the best leaders; 

God made women inferior; 

her religious liberty is threatened by liberals; 

wealth is good, poverty is caused by immorality; 

people must support themselves without any help from the government including higher wages; 

ignore your instincts and stick with conservatives because they have the moral high ground as pro-lifers; 

she must help support her family outside of the home and take responsibility for maintaining her home and her children’s care; 

men are too stressed to help around the house, but she is a strong woman who can handle it all; 

if we can end a woman’s right to get an abortion we can start to work on feeding the poor and caring for the elderly and disabled; 

when we fail to help the needy after abolishing abortion, we will convince her the liberals are to blame; 

she will believe it because we have taught her not to think for herself, even though she thinks she does.

The way females bend over backward:

to keep from seeing all the lies and manipulations by conservative men who only want money and power, 

to convince themselves that conservativism is good for females, 

to keep taking their children into Catholic churches - or any church - even though they know priests abuse children at an alarming rate, 

to continuously vote against their own interests and the interests of poor children, 

to keep letting them convince you that most of your tax money goes to people who cheat the system (well that part is true, but it’s not who they say it is, so let me rephrase), to let them convince you that individual people with drug problems are cheating the system when it’s really the wealthy people in power who are doing it, 

to let them convince you that Fox News Channel is real news and everything else is fake news, 

voting and bragging about voting for a vagina grabbing, disability mocking, labor cheating, bullying liar, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera,

bending over backward to convince themselves and others that their vote for him was okay, 

supporting people who voted for a pedophile (to be fair, this is ingrained by many churches – see above reference to priests),

supporting Bret Kavanaugh and defending his hysterical outbursts while vilifying his accuser who was calm and rational, 

losing their minds when a liberal celebrity does something bad and keeping silent when a conservative does the same exact thing, 

worshiping a flag while ignoring the abuses of people of color, 

cutting the funding of a place women can go to get birth control so they won’t need an abortion, 

overlooking that fact because that clinic performs abortions,

fighting to keep sex education and birth control out of schools because they are afraid their daughters will use it to be promiscuous, which is also an unconscious excuse to cut funding for Planned Parenthood (don’t think much of their own daughters, do they?), 

fighting to make sure the unborn get born and then turning a blind eye to their plight…

Watching my female conservative friends and family doing all of these things and more is what has finally convinced me that females are inferior to men. At least some of us are. 

I pray that one day all females will learn to think for themselves. Until then, I will fight for us and I know my liberal friends, both male and female, will fight for us so that American women don’t all end up with our rights stripped away, new legislation about acceptable women’s clothing in public, and need the constant escort of a male family member to remain pure. 

P.S. Some of you may not realize this is satire, so rest assured, parts of it are. It is up to you to figure out which parts. If you need help, ask a liberal.

Women discussing women in 1961 - Australia

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